A Greater Meaning

Dear Conor and Colin,

Sometimes a picture says a thousand words and those words might be  expressive, literal, figurative or meaningless.  During your birth Colin, there were many pictures captured but one holds my heart.

This is a picture of your brother cutting your umbilical cord.  Once the cut was complete you were an individual; you no longer relied on me for your life.  Your blood started pumping of its own accord and your lungs were your only source of oxygen. 

Now, many people might have picture of Dad's cutting cords but this picture is different from those.  This picture says more than just "welcome to the world".  This picture says things that may never have a place being said outloud to anyone.  Because of this, I am writing them down for you boys to forever know how special your relationship is & how special you each are to me.

Colin, Conor will always take care of you.  He is your protector, your friend, your brother.  He will make certain you are always safe, warm, loved, and given the chance to be who you want to be.  He will not require you to walk in his shadow but will step aside when needed to give you room to grow and spread your wings.  However, he will be quick to put you in your place if you stray in the wrong direction.

Conor, Colin will forever look up to you.  He will want to mimic your actions, words, and beliefs - so proceed with caution but not so much caution that you hold back who you are and who you were meant to be.  Colin will be your sounding board, your protector, and your scapegoat - just don't get him into too much trouble please.

I am your mom.  And this picture says to me how lucky I am to have two loving sons.  Two boys who will see each other through the best and worst of time.  Who will potentially serve as the others best man at their respective weddings, who will comfort the other when times of sadness and hurt surface, and who will jest and cheer the other on when the time is right.  I love you both so very much and this picture captures the moment when one (Mommy & Colin) became two; but when two (Conor & Colin) also became one.....and together we are a team of three. 

First Glance

First Hug

Mommy and her Loves!

I love you boys!

xoxo
Mommy

PS.  Grandma Mary is also in this picture (that's her red fingernail) and so this picture also captures three generations bringing a new individual into the world.

Happy Birthday Colin!

Dear Colin,

You came into this world in your own special way.  At 4:15am on October 31, 2013 you woke me up by creating a hole in the bag of waters.  I honestly thought it was urine leaking so I got up and went to the bathroom.  There, I peed, and then went back to bed only to have more liquid exit my body.  At that point I woke your Dad up by saying "I think my water broke."  He was very calm (actually - overtired as he had only come to bed an hour earlier as he was working so he would be free to trick or treat) and said to me "don't over-react you could be like those ladies that don't go into labor for days after their water breaks" and then he rolled over and went back to bed.  More water came out and so I called your Grandma Mary to let her know what was going on.  Then I woke your Daddy up and told him that I was sure my water broke and why didn't we just start getting things ready.

Your Daddy got up and started to get his things together and I jumped in the shower.  While in the shower my contractions started getting closer together and within minutes I heard your brother waking up (it was about 5am at this point) and so when I got out of the shower he was in my bed playing on the ipad while Daddy was downstairs putting food together for Conor.  The contractions were getting really strong at this point so the midwives were called and I was told to head to the hospital.  While waiting for Daddy to make sure Big Brother's things were packed (we had just unpacked all his snacks the night before in order to replace the things we felt should be eaten or switched up) Big Brother was helping Mommy to stay calm.  He touched my hand and said "Mamma" a few times.  He also kept talking about "baby heartbeat" because we had told him the night before that we would be hearing your heartbeat the next day at the doctor's office - and Conor does not forget things!

Daddy finally got everything loaded into the car and got Hunter settled and we drove up to the hospital.  Daddy took care of Conor while Mommy focused on getting into the hospital and up to the correct floor.  I was admitted immediately (it was once again shift change - both you boys liked to start things at shift change) and we spoke with the midwife who was just getting ready to come off her shift (Jerri).  Unfortunately, we had some bad news for her - the midwife who was coming on was one that we had said we did not want to work with and she checked out a few things and ended up staying with us.  I felt terrible because I didn't want to be a pain but I could not deliver you with that other woman.

The first thing Jerri did was make sure we were settled and then she checked me.  I was 6-7cm dilated which was far more progress on my own than I had ever made with your brother and I was not in pain so I was very hopeful that maybe I wouldn't need any medications and/or wouldn't need them until the end.  Grandma was on her way and called because she had gotten lost in town and needed help getting back to the hospital.  She finally arrived around 9:30am and was very thankful that she hadn't missed anything!

Before Grandma got there Daddy was focused on caring for Conor but since nothing was really going on with you this was perfectly fine.  But, then Grandma got there and it was her job to focus on Conor so Daddy could focus on you and me!  Around 10:30am I was checked again and had dilated further (7-8) without the need for medications but the pain in my hip was getting a lot worse.  I had been working with a chiropractor  issue in my hip that I first discovered when in labor with your brother.  I had seen the chiropractor after his birth and things improved but as the time came to deliver you the pain reappeared if I walked too far or was on my feet too much.  It was believed that I have a nerve/tendon issue and that is also why the epidurals all fail (more on that in a minute).  So, back to the story. 

As I was continuing to labor the pain was getting so intense that I was unable to feel you descending and when instructed to give little pushes was not able to isolate the muscles needed to complete this task because the pain in my hip was overpowering.  At some point I threw up - just once though - like I did with your brother.  I attempted to push on the area where the pain was but, in the end, I had to request the epidural.  After an hour we realized that it had not worked.  My RIGHT hip was still incredibly painful and I could not focus.  At this point I was 10cm dilated but needed to thin out and therefore needed to push a little to help you drop but still couldn't push.  A new doctor was called in and a booster of some sort was given and my left leg went completely numb and the pain in my right hip was dulled enough that I could focus on the task at hand - getting you out so that we could meet you! 

I was instructed to rest and Daddy went to take Conor for a car ride to give him the chance to nap.  Grandma offered to take you but we didn't think he would sleep for her and Daddy knew the area better and so could get back faster.  He wasn't gone more than 20 minutes when Jerri came back in and said if I felt ready to push I could.  So, Grandma texted Daddy and made him come back.  Poor Conor had only just fallen asleep and so Daddy got him all the way into the elevator before he woke up.  He was handed to Grandma and Daddy came to my bedside and held my hand while we started pushing. 

You were a great partner in this delivery - you let me know when you were ready for the push and when it was time to stop.  Once again, I felt that the actual pushing went very quickly.  There was a moment when you were crowning that I felt like I was too small for your big head and Jerri wanted me to pause but I simply couldn't because I felt like I was tearing in two.  So, two more pushes and your nose was out and then came the rest of you!  (Mommy didn't tear in two - she didn't even tear!).  You didn't cry right away but you were immediately laid on my chest and the nurse rubbed and rubbed you until you let out a big cry. 

You were just perfect and neither Daddy, Grandma or I could get over how much you looked like your brother when he was born.  Despite looking like Conor you clearly are a little boy with your own personality.  You did not want to nurse right away but you wanted to be held.  We waited for the cord to turn white before Daddy was asked to cut the cord.  As with your brother he did not want to and so I asked Grandma if she wanted to.  Once she was given the scissors Conor wanted to help and so he did.  Seeing you there on my chest was just as surreal as it was the first time I laid eyes on your brother.  There was an instant bond and a desire to protect you and not let you go - not even to Daddy.  It was also very special to me to have your brother there.  He was one of the first people to see you and to hold you and I hope that is a bond that the two of you never lose.

Conor cutting the cord

Cutting Colin's Cord (Conor and Grandma Mary)

Baby Colin is his own person.

Colin, you were born at 1:24pm on Halloween Day; my little pumpkin baby.  You weighed 9.25 oz and were 20.5inches long (just as long as Conor but 8oz more).  While you were bigger than your brother you looked so much smaller.  You had a blood sugar imbalance so you were subjected to pricks every few hours so that your blood could be tested.  Finally you got 2 tests that were in the appropriate span of time with the appropriate numbers so you could stop being tested.  This was a little stressful because Daddy wasn't here when I learned what was going on but we (you and I) made sure that we took care of things!

Why was Daddy not there?  Because he took Conor home for dinner and bed while Grandma stayed with us until it was time for her to leave and be with Daddy and Conor.  That left just you and I at the hospital (well, until your first visitors arrived).  Daddy also didn't stay when Conor was born so it wasn't your brother's fault that he left.  I encouraged Daddy to go both times because he's bigger than the couch/bed he would have had to sleep on and I knew you and I would get more sleep without Daddy in the room (which we did!).

Your birthday is a holiday and one that kids love.  I made a promise to you before we went to sleep for the night that no matter what your Daddy and I would make the day special for YOU and not just the night we trick-or-treat.

We love you very much little man and your birth has completed our family.  Happy Birthday Colin!

xoxo
Mommy

False Alarm

Dear Baby Do-rin (what your big brother calls you),

This past Friday we had a HUGE false alarm!  I honestly thought you were coming.  We had all the signs and symptoms of labor and so Mommy rushed out to the store because there were a few things that I didn't have for you that I really needed.  One, I needed a baby book.  I am so sorry to say that between caring for your brother and this move I haven't been as attentive to your needs as I would like to be.  I don't ever want you to feel like second fiddle simply because you were born second.  So, I went to 4 different stores to find you a baby book! 

Your brother also has developed a love for his old swaddle blankets so I bought you a set of your own.  His are bamboo and remind me of India where yours are muslin and have a cute jungle theme so there should never be any worries that they will get confused. 

Your brother also sleeps very well with a sound machine so I bought you the same one.  Even though you will be in our room for a while having you get used to the white noise will be great.

So, after a monumental shopping trip with contractions every 15 minutes and having to go the bathroom every 5 - I made the decision to call your Grandma Mary up to Maine.  Well - you are a little stinker because while Friday you continued to increase your contractions in both intensity and length by Saturday there were few and now there are none.  We walked and walked all day Saturday in an attempt to get things kick-started again but after a visit to the Chiropractor yesterday I learned you are not even engaged in my pelvis (silly baby - get down there!).  Of course, you might have spend some time down there but since the weekend you have retreated back into my abdomen and have been causing major heartburn and discomfort.  So I am to push on my upper abdomen and wear a little band to keep some pressure there in order to keep you from floating back up and causing me to vomit.

I really want to meet you Colin - you are seemingly every bit as stubborn as the rest of us and now at 39.5 weeks I'm not quite sure you are ready to come out.  No matter when you arrive or how stubborn you are please know we love you (and would love for you to come this weekend so you can trick or treat with us)!  Your brother is so excited to meet you and every day tells you to come play with him.  He loves spending time in your room and talking about all the things in the house that are yours.

Your clothes are washed, your bassinet is ready, your swing is up, your playgym is set up in the playroom - all we need is you!!! 

xoxo
Mom

Happy Birthday Conor Thomas!

Dear Conor,

This is your birth story.  I have been waiting for a chance to write it all down for you so that neither you nor I ever forget how you came to be a part of this family.

On Monday, December 12 around 12pm I went upstairs to take a little nap and started having contractions.  They were coming every hour and they were pretty strong and didn't go away no matter what position I was in (standing, sitting, or laying down).  Because of this I texted both your dad (who was downstairs) and your Grandma Mary to let them know what was going on.  Grandma Mary surprised us by coming straight up that afternoon and she got here around dinner time.  The contractions continued through the night and into the morning, occurring every 15 minutes.

On Tuesday, December 14, your Dad, Grandma Mary, Hunter, and I sat around the living room waiting for things to progress.  But - they never really did.  I checked with the midwives in the morning and they said to hold out at home until the contractions were coming every 7 minutes; but while they got to 10 minutes they never came any closer together and actually started moving back toward the 15 minute mark.  I ended up calling the midwives around dinner time to determine what the next steps would be.  They told me to take it easy for the rest of the night and call if things changed.

Well, things did change - but not till very early in the morning (around 2am).  At that time I woke up with strong contractions in my abdomen and over the next two hours they continued to increase in strength and frequency until around 4am when they were about 4-7 minutes apart (depending on the contraction and if I caught it at its true start).  So, we called the midwives and they said to come on into the hospital!

We got up and started to get ready to leave.  Your Grandma Mary was going to stay with Hunter but I really wanted her to come because I wasn't sure how fast things would go once we were at the hospital so we left Hunter at home and your Grandma Janet came to get him an hour or so later.  He stayed with her for the entire day and slept over that night so we didn't have to worry about him at all! 

We got to the hospital around 7am and I was admitted straight into a room and got to skip triage.

Once at the hospital things did not go very quickly.  I labored in bed for several hours before it was decided that medical intervention would begin (as I had only dilated 2 centimeters on my own from where I was the Friday before).  Pitocin began and the contractions got stronger and closer together - but they were not breaking my water as the contractions were not consistently 3 minutes apart but would vary between 3 and 6 minutes.  The nurse indicated that this meant my body was not quite ready to begin the real process of delivery.

We were beginning to feel that things were going to take longer than we had thought so we sent your Dad out for treats and some magazines for us to read.  He returned with a cute little pink monkey for me to use as a focus item when things got tough.  I can't tell you how much that little monkey truly helped as time went on.  That little monkey is now in your room as a reminder of how sweet your Dad is and how even the littlest thing can make a difference.

Fast forward a few more hours and my body was struggling with the contractions.  I would feel them coming on and if I had been in the bathroom I would need to rush to the bed before it officially started as they hurt more standing up.  At one point I did not make it from the bathroom to the bed and your Dad had to hold me tight to help me get through it before helping me to the bed.  While you Conor will never experience contractions, your future wife will, and I encourage you to support her to handle the pain and/or discomfort any way you can.

There came a point when your Dad could tell that things were getting stronger and the pain was getting harder to cope with and he asked me how I was doing.  I told him that I thought I was ok but he insisted on the medication and I am glad that he did because minutes later the pain became so intense that I started crying due to the pain I was feeling in both my abdomen and my left hip.  The anesthesiologist finally arrived and after what seemed like forever (and it was probably closer to 5-7 minutes) he administered the first epidural.  I think it was shortly after the medication was administered that my water was broken by the midwife.

That's right - I said the first because about 2 hours later I needed to have another one done because the pain in my hip was continuing so strongly that I was unable to use any of the coping mechanisms and I started crying again.  So, another anesthesiologist was called and this time he not only redid the first epidural but also administered an intrafecal (a fast acting but short term shot of pain medication).  I could feel it taking effect pretty fast and the pain was gone and I found myself sleepy.  Labor is so intensive that it is exhausting and I had been battling the pain for so long that I literally fell asleep within minutes of the doctor finishing up.  Your dad says I slept like a log for about an hour or so - until I started making faces in my sleep.

I can't recall making faces but I do recall asking him why I could feel the pain in my hip again.  Your dad paged the nurse and both the nurse and the midwife 'came running' according to him.  He told them what was happening and the midwife checked me and said I was fully effaced and dilated and we were going to deliver you right them and there.  There wasn't even time to think about it because the next thing I knew we were pushing you out.  I pushed for about 15 minutes before you came into the world.

First Pictures

Your dad stood next to me on the right and Grandma Mary held my left leg for me until that moment you arrived.  Once you arrived you were placed immediately on my chest.  You were a little slimy but incredibly warm and you nuzzled under my chin right away and I could feel you breathing.  You didn't do a lot of crying but you were clearly healthy and you were mine.  Your Grandma Mary cut your cord and they wrapped you up nice and snug.

You were born at 11:41pm on Wednesday, December 14, 2011 weighing 8 pounds 10.6 ounces with a length of 20.5 inches and in that minute you changed our lives forever!

They always say that you fall in love with your baby the moment they place them on your chest.  I can't say that its love you feel at that exact moment - its more a feeling of awe.  You are simply amazed that this little person came from your body and is now there on your chest, breathing his first breaths.  You are in shock that the little hands and feet you are touching and checking for completeness were the same feet and hands that made parts of your stomach move just days before.  Once all these feelings pass you then begin to feel that unconditional love that so many talk about.

Conor, once your Dad and Grandma Mary left for the night and the nurses and hospital staff closed the door and you and I were alone for the first time, that is when I truly fell in love with you.  I made a promise to you right then and there - that no matter what turns our lives take I will always be the very best mom to you that I possibly can but most importantly, I will always love you!

Happy Birthday Conor!

xoxo
Mom